Today my children left to travel to Illinois with their dad to spend Christmas with family up there. I could be sad, thinking about spending my first Christmas in a new town alone, but the only sadness I feel is missing them. I'm grateful for many things. After they left, I went to get a cup of coffee, a new jazz cd playing in the car stereo and my windows open to catch the warm breeze on this stunningly beautiful day. I went to speak with Kate, my spiritual guide, and as we talked about our lives and she shared her wisdom with me, I was struck by the beauty of the journey and the people God brings to us along the way to help us grow. She is helping me to learn to love the woman that I was created to be, and to relax and soak up the lessons life has to offer, even when they are learned through pain. I'm starting to feel like instead of arms flailing about, gasping for air just to stay afloat, I'm beginning to swim about with graceful strokes....it's so much easier that way. I'm so glad I'm getting this now while I still have the chance to model it for my children and pass the truths along to them.
I got my Texas license plates on my car today, so I'm officially a Texan...well, not really. I don't say "ya'll" and Coke is still "pop" to this Midwestern girl. I'm working on dropping "pop" from my vocabulary though simply because the joke's getting old. When I got home after being out and about, I had a package from my Mom for Christmas....2 pairs of pajamas, socks, a gift card to Starbucks, a DVD, cash, and some yummy truffles from a favorite chocolatier back home--thanks so much, Mom!! She also sent along my cousin Kelly's Christmas letter, written from the prison which is his current home. He is amazingly positive, choosing to learn from his mistakes and using the knowledge to become a better person. If only every person on earth would do the same it would be a different world. He had a list of 7 truths that he had gleaned throughout this past year, and number four jumped out at me especially in light of a conversation I had with God just last night....."God, I have these dreams that I want to see come true, and soon! I feel like I'm always in the process of preparation but never quite getting to live out my passion. You made me with this passion! Please lead me to opportunities that will enable me to live my dreams." Well, God answered through number 4 on Kelly's list: You must start where you are and use what you have, then God will give you more. If you're unwilling to move until you get more, you may wait forever! OK, I get it!!!! I love it when messages from God leap off the page like that. To me that's the message of Christmas...God's love for everyone on the planet spoken clearly in a million different ways if we would only listen. If people only knew how loved they were...if they would allow that love to fill them and spill out onto those around them, we wouldn't need to go into debt to fill our houses with stuff that does nothing to fill the empty space in our hearts that only Love can fill. Sometimes I'm embarrassed by the simplicity of the message....it's way cooler to be angry at the world and jaded. And there are things I want to see change....war for example. Erasing thousands of years of conditioning from the collective psyche of mankind won't be an easy process, but I still have faith that we will learn that peace is a better way. War is a festering wound on the soul of humanity, but just when I'm about to start believing the world is on it's way to certain self-destruction I remember that the man who would have been beaten daily into submission and his children forced to labor for their master is now my neighbor and his children play and run about with mine outside on land soaked with blood. If you listen closely you can hear the chorus of voices from beyond singing freedom's song underneath their feet. Things do change and we have to remember the victories that have been won and use that energy to continue creating a better world.
I had no intention of going on this long....the piano is calling...then bed. Sweet dreams, my angels, wherever you are.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Well, here's my contribution to the swirling sea of words. I'm not feeling terribly inspired tonight after having my brain on overdrive interpreting for 10 hours straight, but what the heck, why not create a blogspot? While I'm at work I will occasionally check friends' blogs and then click on their friends and get caught up in the stories and lives of people I don't even know. This story is mine, and while every moment isn't titillating and dramatic, I think over all it's interesting enough. There's just enough heart break, tears, plot twists, and quirky characters to make each day a surprise and to keep me curious as to what's going to happen next. For now I'm going to post my latest musings in the form of what may end up being a song.
I'm gonna climb
To a place I've never been before
So high, I'm dizzy trying to breathe this new air
I'm gonna look down
To an ocean filled with my tears
Dive in, and swim naked in the waters of my freedom
I'm so lost and I don't even care
Nothing to hold on to
Nothing familiar here
Nothing to hold me back from who I really am
I am alone now
Feeling at home in my skin
And I can't tell you where I end and the universe begins
Cause I'm so lost and I don't even care
Blind was I
Living someone else's dream
Tossed on the sea
By wind and waves
But then I woke up
And tasted the bitter fruit
Of living a lie and someone else's truth
It's so beautiful here
I never want to leave
But my demons are chasing me, trying to pull me back
Oh, but I'm stronger now
Something has been made new
And I won't go back to where I stood
Not very long ago
Cause I'm so lost and I don't even care
I'm so lost and I don't even care...